


Of Love and Weakness

by pahfoo



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Minor Character Death, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3247325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pahfoo/pseuds/pahfoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Clarke is frozen. She can’t tear her eyes from the radio but she hears Ravens voice as if from far away. It seems less real than the screams of pain that are still coming from the radio."</p><p> </p><p>Clarke convinces herself to bury her emotions while Lincoln and Bellamy try to get into Mount Weather, but when they hear Bellamy get tortured on the radio things change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part 1

Raven comes running across camp, as fast as her leg will allow her, shouting and waving something, attracting the attention of the grounders, who are now gathered in the Ark’s camp.

“Clarke!” She yells and even when Clarke starts making her way towards her she doesn’t stop.

“I picked something up on the radio!” Raven says, she is panting and her eyes are both excited and worried. Clarke is just about to ask what, when suddenly a scream sounds out from the radio. It is distorted and distant, but quite clearly a scream of pain. Raven’s head jerks back in surprise telling Clarke that this is the first time she has heard it. And then Clarke hears something that makes her heart jump up into her throat and the blood in her veins freeze.

“Bellamy! You’ll be okay. Leave him alo-“A voice sounds out from the radio, but is abruptly cut off and is followed by a heavy thud. _Monty? Is that Monty_

Clarke is frozen. She can’t tear her eyes from the radio but she hears Ravens voice as if from far away. It seems less real than the screams of pain that are still coming from the radio.

“Octavia, we have to get..”

Yes. They had to get Octavia. Let her know her brother was… Clarke cannot even finish the thought. She doesn’t feel the tears running down her cheeks and she still doesn’t move her eyes from that little machine that continues to let out horrifying screams, as Raven yells for Octavia. The younger girl is already on her way though, Raven’s yelling and the noises from the radio have attracted a crowd. Clarke doesn’t look at Bellamy’s sister but out of the corner of her eye she senses the other girl stop dead in her tracks as she realizes what is happening.

 _“_ What? Who’s…?” She asks, but she doesn’t seem able to finish her sentence.

“Octavia…” Raven starts and the answer is unspoken, but rings clear in her tone. “I’m sorry”

Octavia is completely still for a second, then she pounces. She launches herself at Clarke who finally moves, tumbling back at the weight of the other girl. Octavia is hammering her fists against Clarke, but she doesn’t have it in her to stop it. Not now. She does not have to though, because Raven is wedging herself in between them and Murphy is there, pulling Octavia away, holding her back.

“Let go off me.” She snarls and he does. Raven takes a step forward but Octavia remains where she is. She is shaking and her voice could cut steel when she looks at Clarke with burning eyes and says:

“You did this Clarke. You told him to go. If they die…”

 “They won’t.” Raven cuts in, “They won’t ok? We are _not_ gonna let that happen.”

“ _She_ already did!” The brunette cries out and points at Clarke.  
“My brother is being tortured and Lincoln might be dead and it is _your_ fault! Just because you don’t have anyone anymore you can’t just stop caring! Maybe _you_ don’t care if we lose them but _I do_. I can’t lose him again Clarke, I can’t do it!” They can barely make out Octavia’s last words; her voice is shaking so much and sobs begin heaving through her body as she falls to her knees and starts weeping.

And it is as if Octavia’s words have sailed right into her mind and imprinted themselves there,  because suddenly Clarke only has one thought _I can’t lose him I cantIcantIcant._ She cannot do this without him, she thinks. Can’t face it all. Leading these people. Trying to ensure their survival. She’d told him that they needed him, that _she_ needed him and it has never felt truer than it does now. She needs him. Not as a leader needs support, not as a medic needs a soldier. _She needs him._ As a person, just as Clarke. She needs him because she loves him. She loves him and she has sent him to his death.

She looks at his sister, still on the ground crying for the men she loves, and Clarke feels guilt and regret well up in her.

“We’ll get them… we’ll get them back.” She chokes out, but nobody is paying attention. Bellamy was so much better at this. Rallying people. Inspiring them. Clarke’s heart constricts painfully at the thought of him. _Get a grip Clarke._ She tells herself. _It is your fault he isn’t here and it’s up to you to get him back. You need to be strong. Strong for Bellamy. Strong for your people._

Clarke wipes the tears off her face and tries to steady her breath as she kneels down next to the other Blake and looks into her eyes, different from her brother's and yet containing the same fierce fire.

“Octavia listen to me. We’ll get him out. We will get him back and we will get Lincoln back. We will get all of them out and then we’ll burn that whole bunker down, do you hear me?”

Octavia looks at her, tears still streaming down her face and hisses.

“Oh yeah now you care. You weren’t so worried when you sent him away.”

“Hey. Bellamy is a grown man. He can make his own decisions.” Murphy says. He’s still standing hesitantly behind her, and he doesn’t flinch when Octavia redirects her furious gaze at him, but just holds up his hands as if in surrender.

“Well, now we know they’re not serving them chocolate cake anymore. We should get everyone moving.” Raven says. She’s turned the radio off, but the hand holding it is shaking.

Clarke nods. “Octavia. You know the people from Lincoln’s village. I need you to talk to them. We need as much help as we can get.”

Octavia’s dark eyes are still full of anger, but she nods and gets up.

\--

Clarke is standing in front of the grounder commander and tries with all her strength to keep her voice even, to appear as a worthy ally. To appear strong.

“Lexa! We have to move out now, ok?” Her voice only wavers a bit, she can’t quite keep the memory of Bellamy’s screams away, but her gaze doesn’t falter.

“Clarke we are not ready yet.” Clarke opens her mouth to protest, _Lincoln and Bellamy moved out days ago, they’ve made peace now, joined forces, they can’t waste time_ , but Lexa cuts her off and continues.

“I’m not risking my soldiers for one man’s life. You are being stupid. Clarke, you are being weak.”

“No.” Clarke shakes her head, remembering her conversation with the Commander before she told Bellamy to go, and once again it feels as if something pierces her heart.

“I was wrong before, and so were you. Love isn’t weakness. It makes us strong and it makes us who we are. It makes us better than them. And we don’t abandon our own.” Now her voice is strong and unwavering and she seems something shift in the Commander’s eyes.

“We need a plan.” Lexa says and Clarke nods as relief swells up in her.

\--

“Clarke, it is too dangerous. You are not fit to lead an _army_.” Abby Griffin is standing in what has become the camp’s Council Room trying to stop her daughter from leaving. Kane is standing behind her and Clarke is flanked by Raven and Octavia, who is staring furiously at the Chancellor.

“You have done enough. You made peace and you got us all together. Let the soldiers take over now.” Her words are firm, but there is a pleading look to her face, suggesting she knows she doesn’t hold any power over Clarke anymore.

“I’m not here for your permission. I’m here to let you know I’m taking the guard with me.” Clarke replies. Her voice is cold and emotionless once again, but her insides are in tumult, _they don’t have time for this, Bellamy is being tortured now and they don’t even know what is happening to the others._

“You don’t have the authority…” Her mother begins, but Kane reaches out and grasps her shoulder and she stops. Her hands are shaking but she nods slowly.

“Be careful.” Her mom looks at her, but does not reach out, and Clarke remembers Bellamy’s face after she told him to go. She steps forward and embraces her mother.

“I love you, mom.” She whispers and then turns around and leaves.

 

And as Clarke walks out into the woods, with Octavia on one side and Murphy on the other and an army of grounders and Ark guards behind her, she still feels sick at the thought of what is happening to their people inside Mount Weather. And she wants to punch herself for sending Bellamy out on such a risky mission, and her whole body threatens to go into shock at the thought of losing him, but at least she is doing something. At least now she knows what she should have realized before. She knows she loves this man, who once was her opponent. And she is going to get him out. She is getting Bellamy back and she is never letting him go ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism or any feedback at all is much appreciated! :)
> 
> I might do a part 2 (rescue and possible reunion) if anyone is interested?


	2. part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait, I hope 1 or 2 of you are still here. I wrote 200 words and then decided I didn't wanna do a part 2.. and then changed my mind, but real life interfered. Unbetaed because i just wanted this posted, hope there's not too many mistakes. Anyway SORRY, and here's the next bit..

Clarke walks in front of the army, their army, with Octavia beside her, yet she feels entirely alone. The other girl has not uttered a word since they’ve left camp. She can feel the resentment coming off of her in waves, threatening to drown her and Murphy left her side long ago and is now walking somewhere in the back. She doesn’t miss him. So instead she just clutches the radio that Raven gave her. It is turned off now, but the screams are still ringing in Clarke’s ears and she has to fight back the instinct to run. Run away from that memory, which she knows will always haunt her, run away from the memory of her standing in front of Bellamy and telling him to go. She wants to run away and she wants to run to him. She knows she can’t though, so she just keeps walking in a fast pace. Lexa had told her to wait, to bring horses, but the horses were a day away from Camp Jaha and Clarke couldn’t wait any longer. Besides they would have to try and keep their advance a secret for as long as possible, if they were to have a change, and horses were too easy to spot. So Clarke walks. She tries not to think too much, just keeps mentally going over their plan, but soon it’s not enough to keep her thoughts on track.

She remembers Bellamy telling her, _You don’t have the guts to make the hard choices,_ and she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She remembers Octavia on the ground sobbing, her eyes full of anger when they hit Clarke, and she knows the lump in her throat has nothing to do with laughter.

She’d told Lexa that love isn’t weakness, but every time she stops fighting her own masochism for control over her thoughts, her mind wanders. Clarke struggles to breathe, as it replays Bellamy’s screams and Monty’s outcry over and over, and she begins to doubt her own words. She doesn’t feel especially strong right now, she feels as if she could crumble and break. The radio in her hand is the only thing holding her together and yet it’s a hollow promise, a walking stick that would break if you put your weight on it, because she doesn’t dare turn it on, she is too scared of what she might hear. So she just holds unto this link to Bellamy and to her friends and tells herself that everything will be okay. At least this she can do convincingly. The ark breeds liars and Clarke learned from the best of them.

She is so caught up in her own thoughts that she barely register when the army exits the cover of the trees. Next to her Octavia stops and now Clarke pulls herself away from her memories and looks up at the mountain looming above them. Octavia turns to her, her expression still cold, but also expectant and Clarke can feel the eyes of their army on her.

Clarke doesn’t raise her voice, she just looks at the people standing closest to her, and tries not to be faced by Indra’s angry stare.

“You know the plan. Send your warriors out.” She says. For a second nothing happens. Clarke can feel Octavia moving next to her, but she doesn’t look. Then Indra turns around and yells something that Clarke doesn’t understand, and the army splits up into groups, welling towards the mountain, people thundering past all around her. Now Clarke looks to Octavia, her hand is on her sword, and she lifts it, nods at Clarke and repeats Indra’s words and then sets off in a sprint towards the reapers' entrance. Clarke turns on her heals, looking towards the woods again, the only people left are the guards her mother sent with her, and Murphy, lurking at the back, his eyes flickering back and forth. Miller’s dad is at the front, looking at her, waiting.

“Okay.” She says, nothing more, but he nods, and Murphy smirks and as Clarke runs after Octavia she can hear them following her.

-

Octavia is next to her slashing at mountain men with her blade, her braided hair flying around her face, like a dark and furious tornado. Clarke’s hands are slick with sweat and blood, but her grip on her gun is tight, she doesn’t feel anything as she points it at her enemies. She doesn’t see people anymore, just body parts, targets falling around her, and as she pulls the trigger, over and over again, she remembers Bellamy’s hand on her back, coaching her, laughing with her in a bunker. She doesn’t feel anything, as she steps over a body, lying face down on the floor.  She doesn’t feel anything as Octavia comes towards her. She has her sword under a guard’s chin, the blade pressing into the soft skin, drops of blood falling on his uniform. Her other hand has a tight grip on his shoulder, and she’s edging him forwards, all the while keeping the weapon pressed to his throat.

Octavia makes her prisoner tell them where their friends are, and Clarke follows her in haze. She doesn’t know what happened to the rest of the army, she just follows the mess of brown hair, and the glints of the blade still pressed to the man’s skin. They go through corridor after corridor and into a lift, and Clarke thinks that it looks familiar just as they come to a halt in front a bolted door.

“I.. I don’t have access” the guard says. Octavia stands aside and looks at Clarke, and it takes a while for her to register what the other girl wants, but then she lifts her gun and shoots, one two three times at the lock. Octavia doesn’t wait to see if the lock is broken enough to open the door, she just stretches out her leg, around the guard, that she somehow still manages to keep in an iron grip. The door crashes down with a loud bang and Clarke coughs as dust and pieces of wood and metal swirl around her, but her cough turns into a gasp as another loud sound is heard. A gunshot. Clarke turns her head, her heartbeat quickening painfully, but relief fills her as she sees Octavia still standing next to her. Her arms are hanging limp at her sides and her sword is lying on the floor. There is fresh blood on the blade and as Clarke’s eyes land on the body of the guard lying on his side at Octavia’s feet, she thinks she’s killed him. But then she sees the pool of blood forming by his chest and remembers the gunshot, and she looks up just as Octavia moves from her side and strides into the room. Clarke can now see, as the dust has settled, Harper standing with a machine gun, fear and determination etched in her features, which relax and break into a smile as Octavia runs towards her.  And then Clarke hears her name, and suddenly she’s surrounded. Arms are gripping her from all sides, and Jasper’s face is in front of hers, his eyes blank with tears and she drops her gun and hugs him.

Octavia is embracing Harper, both their weapons discarded on the floor, but it doesn’t last long before Octavia lifts her head off the other girls shoulder and asks:

“Bellamy?” Her voice is suddenly so thin, and Clarke remembers how young she, how young they all are. Harper’s confused face brings Clarke back to reality however, and Octavia doesn’t even wait for Harper to answer, she just stumbles back and starts looking around, hoping to see her brother leaping out from a bunkbed. But Clarke already knows she won’t find him here, she’d thought, she’d hoped that he would be with all the others, but the look on Harper’s face clearly shows that the delinquents haven’t seen him, and Clarke suddenly realizes that Monty is not in the room either.

Fumbling, with shaky fingers, she fishes the radio out of her pocket and turns it on.The complete silence that hits her is worse than the screams from before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... there will be a continuation and this time its already written! I just need to read it through and then it'll be posted asap :)


	3. part 3

When Bellamy hears the footsteps he knows that the plan has failed, but he doesn’t have time to think further cause something hard and blunt hits him over the head, and he’s falling, watching the ground moving towards him, but he rolls to the side just before his nose connects with the floor.  His eyes catch sight of cargo pants and the lashes out, grabs the fabric and pulls. The guard lets out a small scream, but Bellamy doesn’t wait to see if he’s falling, he’s getting up, adrenaline clouding his thoughts, but the fighting is instinct now.  He’s about to take a swig at the man appearing before him, when a gun clicks and Bellamy finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun. _Shit._ He hesitates, just for a second, but he knows it was too long when he feels the sharp stab of an injection in his neck. _At least I’m still not hitting the floor,_ he thinks, while everything around him is getting fuzzy and dark and he sinks into a pair of arms, and then, _I’m sorry Clarke._

Bellamy comes to his senses with a jolt as something cold and wet connects with his face. Water? No it is thicker than that. He doesn’t care much though, because now his body has awoken too and with it other sensations. His wrists are hurting, he is strung up, much like Lincoln once in the Dropship, and he can’t feel his legs. Needles are pricking his skin, small stabs all over his body, like a dozen violent bees. That too soon fades to a mere irritation when something hits his back with a loud crack. As his skin splits open, he realizes he is not wearing a shirt. Then a face appears before him, and before the man can open his mouth, Bellamy opens his and spits. He watches with satisfaction as his spit lands in the mountain man’s eye. The man slowly lifts his hand, without breaking eye contact, wipes it away and then looks at something behind Bellamy. _Someone_ , he corrects himself as another lash comes down on his back, but then the third hits and Bellamy stops thinking much. The pain from the lashes blends in with the pain inside him and he now feels as if he’s bleeding inside and out.

He knows he is losing consciousness again when the faces of his captures turn to other, more familiar faces. Octavia, more than a year younger, face panicked when she realises she’s been caught, blends into Murphy, rope around his neck, yelling at him, and then to Clarke, face stoic, telling him that his life is worth risking. Her mouth keeps forming the words, even though he can’t hear anything, he just keeps seeing her pink lips spitting out the words and taking a bit of his heart with them every time. Soon the outline of her mouth gets smudgy and all he sees is pink, turning to white, to grey and then black. He doesn’t know how much time passes, he can barely keep a grip on his surroundings. Metal is soaring at his skin, his back feels wet and broken, and a small voice in his head tells him that’s he’s losing too much blood. It sounds like Clarke.

They’re asking him questions. _How did you get in? What is your plan? How many of you are there?_ And then another voice breaks in, yelling his name.

“You’ll be okay..” It continues and Bellamy recognizes that voice. And then it stops, just as Bellamy realizes who it is. There is a loud thump, followed by the sound of a body hitting the floor. Bellamy tries to turn his head, look, _Monty that was Monty, is he okay?_ But he can’t move, something is holding his head in place, and he opens his mouth, he doesn’t know what for, but he has to help him, do something, _anything_ , but then something sharp pierces his shoulder, he sees red and his mind goes blank, he can’t _think_.

Bellamy knows he’s being tortured for information, but somehow he can’t seem to open his mouth. There’s so much noise, someone screaming all around him, and his throat hurts, and he keeps seeing _her_ face, mouthing the same words over and over. Sometimes his mind is a little clearer, and he realizes what is happening, where he is, and he knows that the screams are coming from him. He doesn’t dare to stop screaming, he’s scared of what might come out of his mouth, if it’s not this, what he might say. The questions keep coming, the voice changes once in a while, but the words are the same, _tell us, help us, this will stop, if only you cooperate._ And again Bellamy sees Murphy’s face, hears his voice and he keeps screaming.

He doesn’t think he’s been asleep, but still he feels like he wakes up when he hears yelling from somewhere. There is no one in the room with him, as far as he can see, but he still can’t move his head. After a little while, the sounds from outside quieten and his mind feels clearer. He tells himself that that is a good thing, but the more conscious he feels, the more he, well, feels. He is lying down now, face pressed into a round leather device and he can feel dried blood all over his back. Bellamy tries to focus his mind on something else. How did he even end up here? He doesn’t know how he got caught, he doesn’t what happened. He thinks of Octavia and hopes fiercely that Lincoln is alright. And he thinks of Clarke, who is relying on him, and then after a while he doesn’t think anything at all.

-

Once again Clarke finds herself standing in front of a locked door with Octavia by her side. And again she shoots the lock, but her hands are shaking and this time Octavia unsheathes her blade before carefully opening the door. What greets them looks like a mix between a med bay and a prison. There are shackles hanging from the ceiling and a table with a lot of instruments she doesn’t want to think about how might be used. And in the back is Bellamy. He is lying face down, on a black leather bench of sorts, his face held down by straps, and his ankles and wrists handcuffed to the metal legs. He is not wearing a shirt, so Clarke has full view of his back, which is torn open and bleeding. She fights back the tears and runs towards him, but Octavia is already in front of her, and she soon reaches him and kneels down in front of him.

“Bell? Bell!” Octavia’s voice is high and panicked when her brother doesn’t answer immediately, and she turns around to Clarke who is next to her again, and whose whole body is shaking now. Then she hears the best sound she thinks she’s ever heard.

“O?” Bellamy’s voice is barely more than a hoarse whisper, but it is there and Octavia is kneeling in front of him again in half a second.

“Bell! It’s me, it’s ok, we’ll get you out of here!” The girl’s voice is strong again and her hands are on the shackles holding her brother in place.

“Clarke, help me with this.”

“Clarke?” She barely hears it, Bellamy’s voice is so rough and so low, nonetheless her heart quickens at the sound of her name, but she just shushes him and helps Octavia.

Together the two girls get Bellamy loose, and Clarke takes one arm over her shoulder and Octavia the other, and with a joint effort they lift him of the bench.  They don’t get very far though, Bellamy has no strength to stand and he’s too heavy, even for the both of them. So they sit down on the floor, and now Octavia takes his head in her hands and Clarke moves away a bit when she sees the tears falling from the brunette’s eyes.

“Where’s Lincoln? He was with you, what happened? And Monty, we heard him..” But her brother just shakes his head.

“I don’t know O, I’m sorry, I don’t know.” He rasps and his sister’s face falls.

“Octavia you should go.” Clarke says, trying to get eye contact with the other girl, “Find Lincoln. I’ll stay here, with Bellamy.”

Octavia narrows her eyes, and looks hesitant between Clarke and Bellamy, but her brother nods and so she hugs her brother one last time and gets up. When her eyes fall on Clarke, her expression is still far from friendly, but as she passes Clarke her hand rests briefly on Clarke’s shoulder.

“Take care of him.” She says, and when Clarke looks up her eyes are shining and a bit warmer than before. Clarke nods and then Octavia is gone and she is alone with Bellamy.

And they still don’t know where Monty is or what happened to Lincoln, and Bellamy looks worse than she’s ever seen him, but he’s alive and the realization makes Clarke feel light and dizzy and a laugh bubbles up in her. She presses her hands to her tear streamed face, but removes them again as she kneels down next to Bellamy. She grasps him, careful not to hurt him, but just entwining her fingers in his hair and snaking her other arm around his neck, gripping the only part of him she can. She holds unto him like that and he slowly moves one arm and places his hand on her back, letting his head rest on her shoulder. And as they cling to each other like that, Clarke feels both stronger than ever, but yet so fragile, she feels she could shatter any moment, and she thinks _this is what love is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo that was that, I hope you guys liked it! 
> 
> Reviews are always welcome :))


End file.
